dreams

dreams are for fools. It's so hard. I put on 0.8lbs. I'm no longer 0.2lbs away from the next lower number. I feel disgusting. The only way I know how to fix this is to stop eating. But then I know if I do that as soon as something passes my lips I'll gain insane amounts again. Its one fucked up vicious circle.

the dream.

I dream of the day when my self worth isn't hinged on what the scales tell me in the morning. I want to not have to get up extra early just because I know I'm going to change my outfit 12 times just because I look fat.

I dream of the day when I can go to the cupboard and eat crisp without feeling guilt gnawing at me. When I can look in the mirror and not hate what I see. When I don't have to criticise myself. When I feel like I'm worth something, that I'm beautiful even if it's in my own way. Who defined what beautiful was anyway?

When I eat because I'm hungry and eat what the hell I want just because I feel like it. When I'm not scared. I miss enjoying food. I don't even know when I'm hungry or full because nothing feels good inside.

I want to be a whole person again. To not look at myself in pieces and see everything that could be changed. I want to look in the mirror and see the whole thing to see a girl that is worth something and is beautiful and above all else happy. Sure she may not have a gap between her thighs or have a waist that can be spanned with hands but she is confident and excited and alive, that would be worth so much more.

If only.