winning.
So today was another 'lets have a girly lunch and catch up'. You know the type that becomes important when you are actually classed as a grown up with a full time job, I remember being at school and everyone saying how they would all be friends forever and definately keep in touch. Bunch of lies for most of them, then you have the few that you actually do find time to see and today was one of those days so I think it would be pretty cruel to cancel. So I went, back to our 'favourite' place, nothing too spectacular just a Nando's. I swear, we are in there so often that every staff member knows our names, address and likely meal. I was being pressured to eat real stodgy food, because after all thats all they serve. But I stayed strong, and maybe was slightly sneaky, I brought a red pepper dip and just let my friend eat it all. No one noticed a thing. Then came my beautiful 38kcal mixed leaf salad. I only ate half. I felt like I was in control again. Made me feel amazing considering everything else in my life was sprialing out for so long. The stupid thing is I still feel disgustingly full. I hate this feeling, I want it all out of me right now, it's not going to happen though, too many people around. fail.
#stupidboys.
why must everything be a competetion? There was a guy I was seeing for a little while. Such a jerk. He told me that he had no time for me but we could occassionally meet up for sex when he felt like it he would give me a call. But then I could tell people we were together if it made me feel better. Needless to say, he made me feel dirty. Then actually doesn't realise what a complete knob he is and acts as if everything is okay even when I stop talking to him. Men! So he strikes up conversation and brings it up again then when I get mad he acts like I'm the crazy one. Got to be kidding me. Think I would learn my lesson but after a few weeks of silence I give in and text him back when he asks me something. He only wanted to know if I had got any university offers and where they were because he has sent his off and hasn't yet. It's so frustrating, why must he compare himself to me all the time? Why does belittling my achievements make him feel better? He actually come out and told me I didn't deserve the grades I got last year (5 straight A's for AS none of which were general studies or one like it). He has no freaking clue what my life is like, what kind of stuff I have to deal with, he is ridiculously sheltered but just not a very smart cookie. Sure he tries hard, but then staying home everynight doesn't mean you deserve to do better than me. It just means that you deserve to get the best possible mark that you can achieve. Leave me alone, I earnt mine, you may not realise it but I did, stop trying to take that away.
On the subjects of stupid guys. I am so very tempted to email my ex. It has been a while and I just miss him. I couldn't admit it before, but I do. As much as I try to pretend that I don't, I really want to speak to him, even if it is just as friends. He was my best friend and I regret so much that I was too weak to be able to let him move on as that. It was a sticky situation and he broke my heart, it still is broken. Please, I need some help. I need someone to stop me because I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to be able to do this. I'm pretty sure he hates me anyway, I wouldn't blame him after what I last said to him. another fail.
excited.
my tickets for clothes show came today. another month and I'll be in birmingham loving life watching the most amazing show ever do some serious shopping. I. CANNOT. WAIT. it will be a beautiful escape. I am determined to be atleast closer to my GW then. I have no choice, I can't be that fat girl anymore and the prospect of being surrounded by a ridiculous amount of tall, beautiful, graceful, thin girls is more than enough encouragement.
goodnight fellow bloggers, i hope your days were all amazing.
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