urgh!

currently hating my fat ass  and my slobbish life. Explaining will come later, just going to kill myself.
By that I mean go out for ANOTHER dinner. fuck my friends. love them, but right now I couldn't hate them more. I couldn't hate myself more. Just my self esteem and the effort I put in to see my pretty bones will be getting murdered tonight.

Fake a smile. Live to starve another day. I wish I could say tomorrow will be better. It won't. My friend wants to celebrate her birthday with indian food. INDIAN FOOD! pretty glad I broke my no purging streak when I got made to eat the other day. I'm going to fucking town. especially tomorrow.

Get through this weekend and I think I've earned another 5 day fast. Maybe I'll just never eat again. I hope so. I can't live with myself anymore.

says alot for alot of us.

plus they are hot which never hurts anyone haha.

Oh by the way - 2 days successful fasting and going strong. Fuck. Yes.

dreams

dreams are for fools. It's so hard. I put on 0.8lbs. I'm no longer 0.2lbs away from the next lower number. I feel disgusting. The only way I know how to fix this is to stop eating. But then I know if I do that as soon as something passes my lips I'll gain insane amounts again. Its one fucked up vicious circle.

the dream.

I dream of the day when my self worth isn't hinged on what the scales tell me in the morning. I want to not have to get up extra early just because I know I'm going to change my outfit 12 times just because I look fat.

I dream of the day when I can go to the cupboard and eat crisp without feeling guilt gnawing at me. When I can look in the mirror and not hate what I see. When I don't have to criticise myself. When I feel like I'm worth something, that I'm beautiful even if it's in my own way. Who defined what beautiful was anyway?

When I eat because I'm hungry and eat what the hell I want just because I feel like it. When I'm not scared. I miss enjoying food. I don't even know when I'm hungry or full because nothing feels good inside.

I want to be a whole person again. To not look at myself in pieces and see everything that could be changed. I want to look in the mirror and see the whole thing to see a girl that is worth something and is beautiful and above all else happy. Sure she may not have a gap between her thighs or have a waist that can be spanned with hands but she is confident and excited and alive, that would be worth so much more.

If only.

creepy coincidence.

So as I was posting my last blog, this song came onto my ipod shuffle.

To my ex, get the fuck out of my head. you don't belong there anymore. this song explains a little better. Damn you.

now Matt Cardle, if you got into my bed, I'm sure I would not be having this problem.

Care to do a girl a favour?

inspiration.

So I'm starting to write my coursework. I've been searching for ideas for so freaking long that my brain is frazzled. I love writing, I wish I was good enough to be an actual writer. But no one would read my stuff, it would be too depressing, philosophical hypocritical shit. I think I'm yoda or something.

So yeah, I love writing, the only frustrating thing is I only write really good stuff when I'm miserable. Maybe it's that whole tortured artist thing, I don't know. All I know is I'm searching for inspiration and then BAM. It hits me in the face. I know what I want my article to be, I just hope I can do it justice. I want it to mean something not be the same sterotypical stuff that everyone expects. Maybe I'll share after, wouldn't want to do that before, knowing my luck if I did it would be called to be moderated and then hello, what is this? The exact same thing on the internet. That really wouldn't look good, especially if I had to sign into my blog to prove it was mine. I think the more pressing issue then would be 'okay lets throw you in therapy!'

Think I'll pass on that. Better to be safe than sorry right!

Anyway, I'd just like to say a big thankyou to all the PT guys that are helping me. I really wouldn't be able to do this without your help.


and the rest.

I fasted for 24hours. Brilliant. Then I get made to eat soup 178 kcals. I can deal. But then my mum starts reading another piece of work I've done. Talk about stressful! I get nervous when anyone reads my stuff. So there were pringle on the arm chair. I opened them and ate the rest of the pack. FBERBG EIUBV EIBV THE FUCK!! What is wrong with me! ?  like casually just opened them up and started munching. CMDSBFQIVBFVHCBAEIDNCNFBGVIA\BGVACN AI. I need to be shot. Right now. What a fucking idiot! I'm finally back down, well on my way to my goals and I do stupid fucked up shit like that. ERGH.

Maybe I'm an all or nothing girl? Like I find it harder to eat small and often than to just not eat at all. Makes me angry sometimes. Tomrrow I'm going to stick below 500. On wednesday I get to fast again. ooot ooot, glad work is good for something and then I'll think of something else how to spend the rest of my week. We will see how much damage this has done tomorrow. What makes it worse is it was after 7pm too. It was 9. Like, have I lost my freaking mind?!

Yeah, rant over. Crazy, stupid person out.

love sucks.

so maybe my rant wasn't completely over. I just, I don't know. I'm still crazy thinking about my ex. Like I know it's over, I'm not stupid. I just miss him sometimes. He was my best friend and I miss that. Lately I can't stop thinking about him. Maybe because I know I shouldn't, but I can't help it. We had so much time together that there is so much stuff that I can't do without thinking of him. Ergh. frustrating.

So yeah think I'm good now. baby rant over. Crazy, stupid, love sick, fool out.

dirty hangover.

Last night was my friends 18th birthday. I went to her party and ended up totally wasted. Again. This is like the third week running. I never mean to and I don't actually drink that much. Just because if I know I'm drinking then I wont eat, toooo many added calories. So I get totally wasted really fast. It's beautiful really.


Once I start I always want to push myself that little bit further over the edge. I want to know without a doubt that I will be able to be sick. I need it all out and hey, if I'm completely out of it then I have an excuse right?


I hate feeling drunk tho. Passionately hate it. I think from now on I'm not going to drink. Special occassions, like really occasionally. Will be easier to lose weight too, because then I wont have to deal with the hangover munchies either. Today I had around 1200 calories. Its far too fucking high. I feel so digusting right now. I'm hoping tomorrow that if I fast then my body is going to go crazy and lose so much more. I hope so anyway.


goal weight.


I'm close. close enough that I can actually feel it. I figured out that if I steadily lose 0.8lbs every two days I'll be at my goal weight by january. Which would be perfect because that's my brithday, what better way to celebrate achievement than a party? I'm dreaming of some sort of liberation when that day gets here. But then, that never works because I always change my goal weights. Maybe I'm just never going to stop. I'll stop when I'm happy.


let a secret slip.


Last night I was at the party with my friend. She is also a little crazy when it comes to weight. I think I let slip about my obsession. Just a little. I'm not sure, she hasn't said anything, I'm hoping she doesn't catch on. But then it would be amazing to have someone to talk to about it. I couldn't stand the looks or the embarrassment. I'd be completely humilated. It's such a shame because this isn't something to be ashamed of, I can't help it. But then we're all twisted into ideals by all media types that  I feel ashamed. Sucks.

fuck.

I got away with not eating yesterday. I wanted to vary my intake, keep my metabolism crazy confused, I was doing so well:

1 wetabix - 64 kcals.
1 cup steamed veg - 45 kcals
50g mushrooms - 7kcals
2 egg whites - 130 kcals

I was planning something healthy and small for dinner. My parents have other ideas. I got away with not eating yesterday because I told them I wasn't feeling well. Today - they are making me eat chinese food.

I actually want to cry. I can't eat that crap. I know it's going to make me fat again in the morning. Ergh, just when everything was looking up. I can't even get it out because it's spicy and it burns like one mother fucker. I tried before.

Door bell just went.

Just kill me now. Hell is here. 

and it's getting easier.

So last night I avoided everything, and then my mum got another phone call. Some stressful stuff different day. I went downstairs when I heard her voice. I ended up eating a bag of crisps and half a tub of pringles. Sickening I know. I wasn't even hungry. I didn't want them. I just needed something, and I find crisps are like agressive foods. There is something statisfying about that 'crunch' that helps. Maybe because it's the sound of something breaking, I don't know.

today's triump.

I went to sleep feeling disgusting. Thinking that I would be heavier this morning. Everytime I eat anything I'm terrified that I'll gain. I fasted today and it felt amazing. I didn't get hungry, I got home from college and just thought 'oh yeah, haven't had anything yet'. It felt good. I don't need food. It doesn't control me. I guess on some level I know I should feel bad about the elation I feel about being so happy and finding it so easy to go without food. But then the rest of me says, do you know what, I don't care, it's worth it. I feel good when I'm empty and hey, atleast I make one cheap date with no food and the smallest amount of alochol I'm absolutely wasted, a technique I plan to use again this weekend. I think my mum may think I have drinking issues soon, I just can't deal with those empty calories so they have to come out. It is as simple as that. Yet that really isn't simple is it? Thinking about it, that is something people have alot of difficulty with. I am drinking and drinking enough so I know I'll puke. Normal people don't do that right?

the story.

So for my english coursework I have to write a piece on finding your identity, it's a fictional piece so I thought fuck it, and I'm writing about us. I'm too fat for anyone to actually consider that I may have a problem so it's cool, the secret remains safe. I just, I guess I want to stand up for us, no one really understands. They all have these stupid ideas about what and who we should be and that just doesn't fly with me. I guess I just want to give us a voice, even if it just makes the select few that get a chance think about their actions then that will be enough for me.



i couldn't have said it better myself.

 I handed it to my teacher to read, she wants me to change the ending, change the voice. I like the ending, i have just left her in the middle of her struggle, still striving to be someone but with a greater hold on who she is and what she wants. My teacher wants me to change it so she is recovered. I don't want to write that. It doesn't just end, it isn't happily ever after that isn't real. Then her voice, she wants me to make her more whiney and self centered and obsessive and mean. That is something I refuse to do. She is a representation of all the amazing people I met on PT. None of them are even like that, why should I conform? I want to write the truth, make her real not what you think is true. So no, I'll take whatever grade you give me and just leave it there.

I have to write a report on the same subject, I'm not really too sure where I want to go with that yet. I'm thinking something along the lines of pressure to be perfect or disproving the sterotype kind of things. With that I think I could show how places like PT don't promote they just support and how much that support means to alot of people. Yeah, so if you wouldn't mind leaving me a comment on what PT means to you that would be great since all of this has to be completely real .

a lesson learnt.

my friend told me today that she realised the saddest people in the world were the ones that smile and laugh the most. That's because laughing is not only the best medicine but also the best disguise. I have to say I agree with her. We all appear so normal, yet noone really knows what boiling just below the surface. It's a dangerous game to play when you comment on how miserable someone is looking. I know, when I let my mask slip and someone tells me it's so hard not to go a little crazy and let the cracks show. The only way I know to get through a day is to smile through it, sing through it and act like a fool. Making someone else laugh is so worth it.

fat day.

So today I woke up feeling okay. I've been back on the losing track so this made me feel good. But then it came to getting ready. I felt like a cow in everything. I looked disgusting. Flab covered everything, I made myself feel sick. I hate looking at myself in the mirror. I can't stand the sight off my beautiful beautiful bones drowning in fat. I changed my outfit twelve times this morning, I only stopped because I ran out of time. Nothing looks good. I don't look good. It isn't good.

scared.

interviews for cambridge are coming through. mine should hopefully be here in the next few days. i am bracing myself for rejection. after all, who would want me?

slip in control

My uncle came for a visit today. He looks a little worse. I'm so stressed out. My family are in so much pain and it's so hard not to be able to help. Sometimes just being there isn't actually enough. I wish there was more, I wish there was something. I just can't. Today I finally started to let my emotions in, I almost completely broke down in two out of the three lessons I had. Oh the joys. So yeah, that wall is safely back up. Back to thinking about others. It's safer that way, maybe a little better for my sanity too.

I'm so tempted to binge. God for the last hour I've been fighting it. It's this uncontrollable urge. I just want the emotional rollercoaster to stop. I want to get off. It isn't fun. I want to fill that space and food seems like the best bet. I'm so tempted. I've jus been called downstairs. I'm so scared that if I go i'll lose all control. Oh my god. I need it to go away.

please. please. please. please. please. give me the strength to say no, to stop, to not even start. please, i can't be fat anymore. i can't feel anymore. it's hurts too much.

today:

learn as if you were going to live forever. live as if you were going to die tomorrow.

only those that dare to fail greatly achieve greatly.

get out of my head. k. thanks.

please, shut up.

get out. get out. get out!! Why must you always be there? Telling me I'm not good enough? I know I'm not, I don't need you to tell me that either. I do not need your help, just shut the hell up. I don't need you to tell me I'm fat, I know. Whenever I look down all I see is fat. sticking so closely to everypart of me, there could be so much potential if only I could melt away the rest. If only.

could i be anymore crazy?

I've been having some really bitchin' mood swings lately. Like at work today I was so freaking depressed I actually had to make an effort to stop myself crying like three times, I'm just an emotional wreck. Then the next I'd be happy and singing and dancing my shift away. There is no other way to survive I guess. But still, not only am I an emotional wreck, but I'm pretty sure we could add emotionally damaged to that list too. I don't have any control anymore, or maybe that's my problem; I have too much control. I have no emotions, I can't feel because I have to care for everyone else which leaves me, well, lets just say imbalanced at best.

It's so hard especially because no one knows, so they all pick on me when I'm looking a little down, which well, just makes me angry. 'Cor, you look miserable' the words that grait on my last nerve. Well, no, I wasn't actually miserable till you mentioned that just sad, but now I'm miserable. Thanks Ass.

I don't honestly now how much longer I can keep this up for. I could never hurt my family that way, and honestly I do love life, I love the uncertainity and adventure, but I guess with that comes pain and sadness. The good with the bad. So I'd never be able to go through with anything that may hurt me really badly. Just sometimes I can't help but think 'what if...' Morbid curiousity I guess they say.

Summary of crap.

So yeah, my day was good. As good as it gets lately anyway. Had to work late which meant skipping dinner time. Oh. Yes. felt amazing. Although while at work I had to fight the whole emotional imbalance making me want to be a complete pig. Good news though guys, I won that time too! Things are looking up a little I guess. Sometimes I want to ask for help, scream that they don't understand, I open my mouth and nothing comes out. Silence.

Daily Quota:

Everyday I go to change my status from 'searching for a little inspiration'. I never can, because at the end of the day I am still always looking for a little inspiration. Whether it is to stop me hunting through the kitchen cupboards, or just so I can smile tomorrow or fall asleep feeling happy, whatever it is, I'm always searching for it. - So I kinda figured I'd share.

Life my lead you to the road you least expected.

But have faith that it is the place you are meant to be.

because it is my life.

Today everyone has been telling me what I should do, how I should act, what I should wear, what university I should go to. And to my biggest annoyance, what I should it. well. fuck you all. It is my life, I am choosing to live it how I want. I will do things my way. If that means losing weight and 'not eating enough' then that's my choice. You can't take that away, it's the beauty of living in the twenty first century. Take you overbearing demands and go back to the prehistoric, you aren't welcome here caveman.

EDIT: I just had to mention this is my favourite band of all time and I MET THESE GODS! EEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKK best day of my life!

sharing is caring.

and this is why I always fail.

would actually kill to look like that. no. the fries are never worth it.

i'm currently in love with this!

thankyou for the kind words Kate Moss.

never thin enough. when will it ever be enough?

i want to do this so badly.

hipbones?

collarbones? check

thigh gap?

end destination.



another day.

winning.

So today was another 'lets have a girly lunch and catch up'. You know the type that becomes important when you are actually classed as a grown up with a full time job, I remember being at school and everyone saying how they would all be friends forever and definately keep in touch. Bunch of lies for most of them, then you have the few that you actually do find time to see and today was one of those days so I think it would be pretty cruel to cancel. So I went, back to our 'favourite' place, nothing too spectacular just a Nando's. I swear, we are in there so often that every staff member knows our names, address and likely meal. I was being pressured to eat real stodgy food, because after all thats all they serve. But I stayed strong, and maybe was slightly sneaky, I brought a red pepper dip and just let my friend eat it all. No one noticed a thing. Then came my beautiful 38kcal mixed leaf salad. I only ate half. I felt like I was in control again. Made me feel amazing considering everything else in my life was sprialing out for so long. The stupid thing is I still feel disgustingly full. I hate this feeling, I want it all out of me right now, it's not going to happen though, too many people around. fail.

#stupidboys.

why must everything be a competetion? There was a guy I was seeing for a little while. Such a jerk. He told me that he had no time for me but we could occassionally meet up for sex when he felt like it he would give me a call. But then I could tell people we were together if it made me feel better. Needless to say, he made me feel dirty. Then actually doesn't realise what a complete knob he is and acts as if everything is okay even when I stop talking to him. Men! So he strikes up conversation and brings it up again then when I get mad he acts like I'm the crazy one. Got to be kidding me. Think I would learn my lesson but after a few weeks of silence I give in and text him back when he asks me something. He only wanted to know if I had got any university offers and where they were because he has sent his off and hasn't yet. It's so frustrating, why must he compare himself to me all the time? Why does belittling my achievements make him feel better? He actually come out and told me I didn't deserve the grades I got last year (5 straight A's for AS none of which were general studies or one like it). He has no freaking clue what my life is like, what kind of stuff I have to deal with, he is ridiculously sheltered but just not a very smart cookie. Sure he tries hard, but then staying home everynight doesn't mean you deserve to do better than me. It just means that you deserve to get the best possible mark that you can achieve. Leave me alone, I earnt mine, you may not realise it but I did, stop trying to take that away.

On the subjects of stupid guys. I am so very tempted to email my ex. It has been a while and I just miss him. I couldn't admit it before, but I do. As much as I try to pretend that I don't, I really want to speak to him, even if it is just as friends. He was my best friend and I regret so much that I was too weak to be able to let him move on as that. It was a sticky situation and he broke my heart, it still is broken. Please, I need some help. I need someone to stop me because I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to be able to do this. I'm pretty sure he hates me anyway, I wouldn't blame him after what I last said to him. another fail.

excited.

my tickets for clothes show came today. another month and I'll be in birmingham loving life watching the most amazing show ever do some serious shopping. I. CANNOT. WAIT. it will be a beautiful escape. I am determined to be atleast closer to my GW then. I have no choice, I can't be that fat girl anymore and the prospect of being surrounded by a ridiculous amount of tall, beautiful, graceful, thin girls is more than enough encouragement.

goodnight fellow bloggers, i hope your days were all amazing.

so happy!

EEEEKKKK!

So I went to my friends house tonight. for over an hour she sat freshly baked cookies next to me, even offered me a couple. I stayed strong, I turned them all down! I feel amazing. I'm proud, usually they would make me have one. Not me, not tonight. it feels so so good!

suffering the consequences.

After my epic fail last night I feel so gross. I want to fast but I know that isn't going to work. Work is so hectic and i'm training new people and tonight i'm spending more time with my friends. I know I can get away with not eating this time. But just incase there is no point setting myself up for more suffering.

Since I do get to spend so much time at work I can get away with my apple and fat free yoghurt. That means I'm under 100 still. I can live with that. Tomorrow will be the tough one. I'm home with my parents all day.

encouragement.

This morning my dad was picking on me about breakfast. 'look at how much is there!' I wasn't even eating it! It wasn't mine! Thanks Dad for always picking on me about food, for the nickname that started this whole sprial and then for not understanding. I'll just take your snipey comments as encouragement.

URGH.

just been made to eat pizza.

4 slices of thin crust veggie.
2 pieces of garlic bread
50g wedges

i fucking hate my life right now. i'm so disgusted with myself. this is too much. i hate my friends right now for this. Think i'm even able to purge? No, why would I be that lucky? So it's just going to sit all fatty and gross inside me making me feel like a heavy pig. ergh. just want to melt into the floor right now. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.

Why can't I be thin already, oh wait, I know, because I eat crap. I deserve to be fat. Serves me right.

my future.

It has always been a dream of mine to go travelling. I want to see the world, experience cultures everywhere, help as much as possible, I just want to feel as if I have achieved something. Done something with my life other than work and study and work and the usual life stuff. My parents don't understand this, they think holiday is meant to sit around and do nothing. Waste two weeks of your life laying around doing nothing. As great as that sounds I want more.

when?

I have always had my life planned out for me. School, College, University, Work. Simple. Not really, everyone has pushed their ideals onto me, stuff they wish they had done so now it's up to me to do it. Travelling has always been the one thing I've wanted to do more than anything else and now it's like I can't fit that into my life because I'm making other people happy. Before university - I have no money and have already been offered places for the coming year, after university - I'm hoping to have offers from my course on places to work they aren't going to be too happy if I want to just take off. So I decided since my summers at university are so long then I have an opportunity to go then. I'm also spending a year abroad in my third year which is so exciting - learning and exploring, what could be better than that?!

the plan.

Since it is too late to start next year when I finish college I have decided my first adventure will be the summer of 2013. I know, I know it seems so far away. But it's never to early to start planning. So far this is my list of where I'm going and what I want to do. I found the most amazing trip, only problem it is for 6 months, half a year. There would be noway i'd be allowed that much time off! I will do this one day - it's an over land trip to australia, driving through the most amazing european countries, camping and staying with locals and exploring along the way. But till that day I will contend myself with doing these: - there was a round the world trip it's for a year its £9000. I wish I could just take that time off!

- Nepal - teaching monks English (3 weeks)
- USA -  drive cross country with a stop in every state. (64 days)
- Canada - camp cousellor ( 8 weeks)
- Africa - building schools and houses project (2 weeks)
- Moldova - Orphanage volunteer (1 week)
- Australia mini gap - basically travel australia, working and teaching (3 months)
- Costa Rica - white river rafting, exploring, improving living conditions for local people. (4 weeks)
- New Zealand - Ranch Experience (2 weeks) & travel, locals (3 weeks)
- Thailand - basically explore and learn (4 weeks)
- India - explore, teach & learn (2 weeks)
- Sri Lanka - wildlife studies primates and elephants (25 days)
- Bejing to Bangkok - travel & explore! (56 days)
- Bangkok to Bali - travel! (29 days)
- Peru - Spanish language course (1 week) & inca trail (7 days)
- Buenous Aires to Rio - sight see, travel, carnival!  (17 days +)
- Fiji - Scuba Diving experience (1 week +)
- South Africa - Conservation work & travel the towns (2 weeks ) Kruger to Coast (4 weeks) Zanzibar teaching (2 weeks)

This is the overall kind of thing I want to do. There is a whole website that helps me keep it straight in my head.

more.

I would love so much to travel this indepth. Like a little overview of the world would maybe be enough to statisfy my curiousities. But then there are some places I would love to go just on holiday like Mexico and Cuba and Eygpt and Russia and different parts of Canada. So much world so little time. Europe is one place that I think I would have to take a little at a time, there are so many countries and so  many places in those countries that I want to see. Even as I write this I have more countries popping into my head.

Italy. the one place I could spend forever. I don't even know the point of this, there is so much I want to do that there isn't actually room. I have a whole folder of places, I just don't know when I would ever get the chance. I hope I will, some places would be great places to spend with families. Need to save some suprises for the future.

two broken hearts in the media room.

the not so happily ever after.

Back in February my boyfriend of like almost 3 years broke up with me. I always knew it was going to happen, his family hated me, they were Jehovah Witnesses and couldn't accept the fact that I wasn't. At the very end they gave him a choice, follow all their rules including breaking up with me or leave. He asked me what I would say if that ever happened and I told him that I think he should go with his family because as disfunctional and irritating as they may be they are still family and are important. I guess it was a mutal choosing of God.

companion in misery.

Now that little back story is out of the way with, moving on. A close friend of mine just broke up with her boyfriend, he cheated on her they tried to make it work but she just couldn't forgive that. I don't blame her, not really, I don't think that's something I would easily be able to forgive. But she was talking to me and asked me how long it takes to get over a guy, I honestly couldn't answer her. I didn't have an answer, it just made me think about how much I still wish I could talk to my ex. Maybe you never get over someone, maybe they will always be a part of your life. I guess spending so much time together does change you, I think there is always something you learn sometimes they are good, other times not so much.  So in true essex girl style we went out and drunk away our new found feelings. It worked for all of two minutes - and then you see a friend you haven't in a little while and she asks 'oh so how are you and what's his name?' - and then it all comes crumbling down again. Today in a media class I realised that although not every relationship is the same and there are differenet types of break ups; the mutual parting, they met someone else, they don't love you anymore, it just wouldn't work - phases of those are all the same. There were two broken hearts in that media room today and it felt good to have someone to talk to that felt exactly the same. 

the man or the idea?

We got into the discussion was it 'him' that we missed or just the idea of him. The feeling of belonging, having someone that was yours, that was there no matter the situation. That you could just snuggle with on a cold day or an off day. He was my best friend and I know my friend felt the same about her boyfriend, is it his friendship I miss, just that closeness with another person or was it his specific brand of friendship? To an extent I think both.

the dream. 

after we were talking I was reading a magazine article about a guy who was dying finding love, he died a week after they got married. I could never imagine that heart wrenching feeling of finding the one that you want to spend the rest of your life with and then one day they aren't there anymore and they are never coming back. How would someone deal with that? I don't know if I would ever be strong enough to deal with that type of finality, atleast with my ex I know that although I have deleted his number (not that it makes a difference I know it off by heart it was just a symbolic deleting) I could find out what was going on with him and how he was if I could deal with that. 

I see old couples walking down the street holding hands and everytime my heart melts a little. I want that, I want love that defies age and reason, I want to be excited every morning when I wake up because I get to be with that person. I have three amazing best friends yet he was my best friend and it was a different type; it's a type I miss. But above all else I want happiness.  

it's never enough

So today was meant to be a haven. I had no college which suited me fine. I haven't been able to deal with it properly since we found out about my uncle. I have too much stuff going on in my head and well I can't deal with it so slowly I'm compartmentalising, it's a slow progress. I don't think it will ever be over.  I had a meeting with my tutor for like 15 minutes to dicuss my progress. I was actually feeling pretty good considering I had straight A's and had actually turned up this year. But that still wasn't good enough, he picked up on the fact that I had missed a lesson of psychology. One lesson. Seriously dude, if you met me last year you would have already ripped out what little hair you have left. This is amazing for me, my attendance has never in my life been this good.

I also took the opportunity to tell him about the offer from one of my university choices. I was so excited when I got it, they didn't even want to interview me, they just gave me a place. I was actually wanted! But he took that away too. He was just like well it isn't like you have heard from Cambridge yet. (My first univerisity choice - this offer was from my second!) Thanks. It doesn't seem like an achievement anymore, no longer special. Just another failure.

It was my golden opportunity to tell him why I have lost concerntration and why I was getting flakey again. The indecision has been plaguing me for a little while - there were forms we had to fill in prior to this meeting. 'Is there anything you feel you need to share with your tutor?' I circled yes and scribbled it out like 4 times. So when he asked I just said no and went on my way.

On the plus side! I havn't had anything to eat today. Which makes me feel amazing because I have been having such a hard time lately, trying to please everyone. Today I gave up, today I'm pleasing myself again. It feels good. Hopefully the hate will slide off with each and every pound. Right now I'm too scared to even look at the scales. Soon, i'll be brave. Soon, I'll love watching that number shrink. But for now, it is too high. When my will starts to break a little I'll bring them out and disgust myself some more. Motivation is always good and there is nothing more motivating that looking at your own fat ass.

I'm actually a little proud of myself, I went to college so early this morning that my Dad took me, he and my mum were both home for half the day and decided to 'treat' themselves with a Mcdonalds breakfast. I love pancakes. I love saying no to pancakes more. I said no to the pancakes. It feels amazing. 

I thought making myself miserable for everyone would help them. I now realise that doing this for myself has made me stronger again. I can push away those nasty feelings and concerntrate soley on others needs now without that voice in the back of my head telling me i'm ugly and fat and disgusting. My control gives me strength to lean on to be strong for everyone else. I really needed to find that today. 

Stay strong beautiful people, smile, life is worth living.

a quick update.

Half Term:

So I'm still at college, I'm in my last year, hopefully next year I'll be going to univeristy. I say hopefully, I am just waiting for the rejection letters that will undoubtably be coming my way. So anyway, this half term I wanted to really make progress, I've been stuck with all this recovery weight and it's making me hate myself. But life wouldn't be that nice. Instead I'm stuck eating trying to make everyone else happy falling further into that hole of self loathing. Isn't life grand? I had to work everyday at a job with managers I hate, where there is constant drama the whole time, it gets a little tedious considering I'm like the youngest person there and I'm not involved in any of it; come on guys grow up a little.

Oh but did I mention one of my managers hates me passionately at the moment because I don't actually think it's cool for him to hit on me and make all kinds of suggestive comments. He bascially told me the only reason I got an interview in the first place was because he thought I was 'pretty'. Maybe it's because I'm shallow, but he creeps me out, a fat balding 30 something man trapped me in a room alone with him and then invaded my personal space a little.  Not cool!

I work around junk all the time too, maybe college is the best place for me to have control again, because if I don't have money I can't buy, it is as simple as that - I can't use my card because we have no card machines. It's perfect!


Friday - a little early halloween celebration.

So I managed to scrap a weekend off. My first in around two years. So a few of the nice work friends I do have invited me out. We spent our halloween dressed up in a gay club. It was freaking awesome! I was a cavegirl, I made a pretty cool prehistoritic character if I do say so myself. Although I spent most of the night completely wasted I can't actually remember it, the beauty of not eating, cheap night out! Being so drunk with nothing inside me made me sick anyway which was even better, goodbye empty calories. Short story is - I was so wasted I passed out on my sofa when I got home still fully dressed, I couldn't even make it up the stairs. I'd say that contributes to a pretty good night out - not to mention a well deserved hang over.

Britain & Ireland's Next Top Model Live.

Day 2 of my amazing weekend was spent at the excel centre in london, BNTM live was so good. I have to say, travelling by train with a hangover, not the smartest move I ever made. All I can say is thank god for portable tooth brushes, train bathrooms and chewing gum. Another perfect excuse not to eat for that day. It felt amazing. Spending the day surrounded by tall, thin and beautiful girls - not the best idea I ever had. My average 5ft 4 self was a little over shadowed, but hey, I'm used to that so it means nothing. I went with my brothers girlfriend, she is more like the sister I don't have I'm so glad for that too. She loved it so much that we just booked our tickets for The Clothes Show Live in December. Hello George Lamb is all I can say. - Oh, Charlie Speed could not be more gorgeous in real life, even better than the pictures!

Standard Evening Out.

To finish my trio of amazing days out I spent my sunday night with my best friends. We ofcourse had to eat, thats their thing. It kills me, but I think it would kill me a little more to not be able to be with them. They are the best friends I could have ever asked for, and being part of an all girl group of 7 for the best part of school, I can really appreciate that.  I also got to see Paranormal Activity 3 - pretty much a waste of time. But everyone else seemed to love it, maybe I'm just a sucker for the old thrillers that all these new ones lose their magic. I don't know. It's all good. An amazing end to an amazing weekend.

Hello Reality.

And yesterday I went back to college. I was only there for one lesson, I couldn't face how much I loathed myself. Especially because every girl at my college is amazing looking, it just isn't fair. They are all so perfect. I wish I could be as small as they are. So I hid out at home and worked in the evening, I'm a little sad, I love seeing all the kids dressed up at Halloween, they are all so adorable.

hey.

So I'm pretty new to this whole thing. Give me a diary anyday, can't really beat the old fashioned pen and paper. But this is the technology age and one must embrace that. Honestly it feels rather good to be sharing. There just isn't much statisfaction in writing to yourself, sure it helps for about five minutes, but then it is still just you and your feelings. 

So I apologise in advance for the pointlessness of this blog, especially if you ever made the effort to read it. But hey, isn't that what you're reading blogs for? Making yourself feel slightly better about whatever it is in your life that you are currently hiding from, maybe its just a search for some witty one liners in the midst of a whole lot of teenage rambling. I'm pretty sure those are two things that I can undoubtably provide, I will endeaver to please.