Last night was my friends 18th birthday. I went to her party and ended up totally wasted. Again. This is like the third week running. I never mean to and I don't actually drink that much. Just because if I know I'm drinking then I wont eat, toooo many added calories. So I get totally wasted really fast. It's beautiful really.
Once I start I always want to push myself that little bit further over the edge. I want to know without a doubt that I will be able to be sick. I need it all out and hey, if I'm completely out of it then I have an excuse right?
I hate feeling drunk tho. Passionately hate it. I think from now on I'm not going to drink. Special occassions, like really occasionally. Will be easier to lose weight too, because then I wont have to deal with the hangover munchies either. Today I had around 1200 calories. Its far too fucking high. I feel so digusting right now. I'm hoping tomorrow that if I fast then my body is going to go crazy and lose so much more. I hope so anyway.
goal weight.
I'm close. close enough that I can actually feel it. I figured out that if I steadily lose 0.8lbs every two days I'll be at my goal weight by january. Which would be perfect because that's my brithday, what better way to celebrate achievement than a party? I'm dreaming of some sort of liberation when that day gets here. But then, that never works because I always change my goal weights. Maybe I'm just never going to stop. I'll stop when I'm happy.
let a secret slip.
Last night I was at the party with my friend. She is also a little crazy when it comes to weight. I think I let slip about my obsession. Just a little. I'm not sure, she hasn't said anything, I'm hoping she doesn't catch on. But then it would be amazing to have someone to talk to about it. I couldn't stand the looks or the embarrassment. I'd be completely humilated. It's such a shame because this isn't something to be ashamed of, I can't help it. But then we're all twisted into ideals by all media types that I feel ashamed. Sucks.
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