and it's getting easier.

So last night I avoided everything, and then my mum got another phone call. Some stressful stuff different day. I went downstairs when I heard her voice. I ended up eating a bag of crisps and half a tub of pringles. Sickening I know. I wasn't even hungry. I didn't want them. I just needed something, and I find crisps are like agressive foods. There is something statisfying about that 'crunch' that helps. Maybe because it's the sound of something breaking, I don't know.

today's triump.

I went to sleep feeling disgusting. Thinking that I would be heavier this morning. Everytime I eat anything I'm terrified that I'll gain. I fasted today and it felt amazing. I didn't get hungry, I got home from college and just thought 'oh yeah, haven't had anything yet'. It felt good. I don't need food. It doesn't control me. I guess on some level I know I should feel bad about the elation I feel about being so happy and finding it so easy to go without food. But then the rest of me says, do you know what, I don't care, it's worth it. I feel good when I'm empty and hey, atleast I make one cheap date with no food and the smallest amount of alochol I'm absolutely wasted, a technique I plan to use again this weekend. I think my mum may think I have drinking issues soon, I just can't deal with those empty calories so they have to come out. It is as simple as that. Yet that really isn't simple is it? Thinking about it, that is something people have alot of difficulty with. I am drinking and drinking enough so I know I'll puke. Normal people don't do that right?

the story.

So for my english coursework I have to write a piece on finding your identity, it's a fictional piece so I thought fuck it, and I'm writing about us. I'm too fat for anyone to actually consider that I may have a problem so it's cool, the secret remains safe. I just, I guess I want to stand up for us, no one really understands. They all have these stupid ideas about what and who we should be and that just doesn't fly with me. I guess I just want to give us a voice, even if it just makes the select few that get a chance think about their actions then that will be enough for me.



i couldn't have said it better myself.

 I handed it to my teacher to read, she wants me to change the ending, change the voice. I like the ending, i have just left her in the middle of her struggle, still striving to be someone but with a greater hold on who she is and what she wants. My teacher wants me to change it so she is recovered. I don't want to write that. It doesn't just end, it isn't happily ever after that isn't real. Then her voice, she wants me to make her more whiney and self centered and obsessive and mean. That is something I refuse to do. She is a representation of all the amazing people I met on PT. None of them are even like that, why should I conform? I want to write the truth, make her real not what you think is true. So no, I'll take whatever grade you give me and just leave it there.

I have to write a report on the same subject, I'm not really too sure where I want to go with that yet. I'm thinking something along the lines of pressure to be perfect or disproving the sterotype kind of things. With that I think I could show how places like PT don't promote they just support and how much that support means to alot of people. Yeah, so if you wouldn't mind leaving me a comment on what PT means to you that would be great since all of this has to be completely real .

a lesson learnt.

my friend told me today that she realised the saddest people in the world were the ones that smile and laugh the most. That's because laughing is not only the best medicine but also the best disguise. I have to say I agree with her. We all appear so normal, yet noone really knows what boiling just below the surface. It's a dangerous game to play when you comment on how miserable someone is looking. I know, when I let my mask slip and someone tells me it's so hard not to go a little crazy and let the cracks show. The only way I know to get through a day is to smile through it, sing through it and act like a fool. Making someone else laugh is so worth it.

fat day.

So today I woke up feeling okay. I've been back on the losing track so this made me feel good. But then it came to getting ready. I felt like a cow in everything. I looked disgusting. Flab covered everything, I made myself feel sick. I hate looking at myself in the mirror. I can't stand the sight off my beautiful beautiful bones drowning in fat. I changed my outfit twelve times this morning, I only stopped because I ran out of time. Nothing looks good. I don't look good. It isn't good.

scared.

interviews for cambridge are coming through. mine should hopefully be here in the next few days. i am bracing myself for rejection. after all, who would want me?

slip in control

My uncle came for a visit today. He looks a little worse. I'm so stressed out. My family are in so much pain and it's so hard not to be able to help. Sometimes just being there isn't actually enough. I wish there was more, I wish there was something. I just can't. Today I finally started to let my emotions in, I almost completely broke down in two out of the three lessons I had. Oh the joys. So yeah, that wall is safely back up. Back to thinking about others. It's safer that way, maybe a little better for my sanity too.

I'm so tempted to binge. God for the last hour I've been fighting it. It's this uncontrollable urge. I just want the emotional rollercoaster to stop. I want to get off. It isn't fun. I want to fill that space and food seems like the best bet. I'm so tempted. I've jus been called downstairs. I'm so scared that if I go i'll lose all control. Oh my god. I need it to go away.

please. please. please. please. please. give me the strength to say no, to stop, to not even start. please, i can't be fat anymore. i can't feel anymore. it's hurts too much.

today:

learn as if you were going to live forever. live as if you were going to die tomorrow.

only those that dare to fail greatly achieve greatly.

get out of my head. k. thanks.

please, shut up.

get out. get out. get out!! Why must you always be there? Telling me I'm not good enough? I know I'm not, I don't need you to tell me that either. I do not need your help, just shut the hell up. I don't need you to tell me I'm fat, I know. Whenever I look down all I see is fat. sticking so closely to everypart of me, there could be so much potential if only I could melt away the rest. If only.

could i be anymore crazy?

I've been having some really bitchin' mood swings lately. Like at work today I was so freaking depressed I actually had to make an effort to stop myself crying like three times, I'm just an emotional wreck. Then the next I'd be happy and singing and dancing my shift away. There is no other way to survive I guess. But still, not only am I an emotional wreck, but I'm pretty sure we could add emotionally damaged to that list too. I don't have any control anymore, or maybe that's my problem; I have too much control. I have no emotions, I can't feel because I have to care for everyone else which leaves me, well, lets just say imbalanced at best.

It's so hard especially because no one knows, so they all pick on me when I'm looking a little down, which well, just makes me angry. 'Cor, you look miserable' the words that grait on my last nerve. Well, no, I wasn't actually miserable till you mentioned that just sad, but now I'm miserable. Thanks Ass.

I don't honestly now how much longer I can keep this up for. I could never hurt my family that way, and honestly I do love life, I love the uncertainity and adventure, but I guess with that comes pain and sadness. The good with the bad. So I'd never be able to go through with anything that may hurt me really badly. Just sometimes I can't help but think 'what if...' Morbid curiousity I guess they say.

Summary of crap.

So yeah, my day was good. As good as it gets lately anyway. Had to work late which meant skipping dinner time. Oh. Yes. felt amazing. Although while at work I had to fight the whole emotional imbalance making me want to be a complete pig. Good news though guys, I won that time too! Things are looking up a little I guess. Sometimes I want to ask for help, scream that they don't understand, I open my mouth and nothing comes out. Silence.

Daily Quota:

Everyday I go to change my status from 'searching for a little inspiration'. I never can, because at the end of the day I am still always looking for a little inspiration. Whether it is to stop me hunting through the kitchen cupboards, or just so I can smile tomorrow or fall asleep feeling happy, whatever it is, I'm always searching for it. - So I kinda figured I'd share.

Life my lead you to the road you least expected.

But have faith that it is the place you are meant to be.

because it is my life.

Today everyone has been telling me what I should do, how I should act, what I should wear, what university I should go to. And to my biggest annoyance, what I should it. well. fuck you all. It is my life, I am choosing to live it how I want. I will do things my way. If that means losing weight and 'not eating enough' then that's my choice. You can't take that away, it's the beauty of living in the twenty first century. Take you overbearing demands and go back to the prehistoric, you aren't welcome here caveman.

EDIT: I just had to mention this is my favourite band of all time and I MET THESE GODS! EEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKK best day of my life!

sharing is caring.

and this is why I always fail.

would actually kill to look like that. no. the fries are never worth it.

i'm currently in love with this!

thankyou for the kind words Kate Moss.

never thin enough. when will it ever be enough?

i want to do this so badly.

hipbones?

collarbones? check

thigh gap?

end destination.



another day.

winning.

So today was another 'lets have a girly lunch and catch up'. You know the type that becomes important when you are actually classed as a grown up with a full time job, I remember being at school and everyone saying how they would all be friends forever and definately keep in touch. Bunch of lies for most of them, then you have the few that you actually do find time to see and today was one of those days so I think it would be pretty cruel to cancel. So I went, back to our 'favourite' place, nothing too spectacular just a Nando's. I swear, we are in there so often that every staff member knows our names, address and likely meal. I was being pressured to eat real stodgy food, because after all thats all they serve. But I stayed strong, and maybe was slightly sneaky, I brought a red pepper dip and just let my friend eat it all. No one noticed a thing. Then came my beautiful 38kcal mixed leaf salad. I only ate half. I felt like I was in control again. Made me feel amazing considering everything else in my life was sprialing out for so long. The stupid thing is I still feel disgustingly full. I hate this feeling, I want it all out of me right now, it's not going to happen though, too many people around. fail.

#stupidboys.

why must everything be a competetion? There was a guy I was seeing for a little while. Such a jerk. He told me that he had no time for me but we could occassionally meet up for sex when he felt like it he would give me a call. But then I could tell people we were together if it made me feel better. Needless to say, he made me feel dirty. Then actually doesn't realise what a complete knob he is and acts as if everything is okay even when I stop talking to him. Men! So he strikes up conversation and brings it up again then when I get mad he acts like I'm the crazy one. Got to be kidding me. Think I would learn my lesson but after a few weeks of silence I give in and text him back when he asks me something. He only wanted to know if I had got any university offers and where they were because he has sent his off and hasn't yet. It's so frustrating, why must he compare himself to me all the time? Why does belittling my achievements make him feel better? He actually come out and told me I didn't deserve the grades I got last year (5 straight A's for AS none of which were general studies or one like it). He has no freaking clue what my life is like, what kind of stuff I have to deal with, he is ridiculously sheltered but just not a very smart cookie. Sure he tries hard, but then staying home everynight doesn't mean you deserve to do better than me. It just means that you deserve to get the best possible mark that you can achieve. Leave me alone, I earnt mine, you may not realise it but I did, stop trying to take that away.

On the subjects of stupid guys. I am so very tempted to email my ex. It has been a while and I just miss him. I couldn't admit it before, but I do. As much as I try to pretend that I don't, I really want to speak to him, even if it is just as friends. He was my best friend and I regret so much that I was too weak to be able to let him move on as that. It was a sticky situation and he broke my heart, it still is broken. Please, I need some help. I need someone to stop me because I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to be able to do this. I'm pretty sure he hates me anyway, I wouldn't blame him after what I last said to him. another fail.

excited.

my tickets for clothes show came today. another month and I'll be in birmingham loving life watching the most amazing show ever do some serious shopping. I. CANNOT. WAIT. it will be a beautiful escape. I am determined to be atleast closer to my GW then. I have no choice, I can't be that fat girl anymore and the prospect of being surrounded by a ridiculous amount of tall, beautiful, graceful, thin girls is more than enough encouragement.

goodnight fellow bloggers, i hope your days were all amazing.

so happy!

EEEEKKKK!

So I went to my friends house tonight. for over an hour she sat freshly baked cookies next to me, even offered me a couple. I stayed strong, I turned them all down! I feel amazing. I'm proud, usually they would make me have one. Not me, not tonight. it feels so so good!