get out of my head. k. thanks.

please, shut up.

get out. get out. get out!! Why must you always be there? Telling me I'm not good enough? I know I'm not, I don't need you to tell me that either. I do not need your help, just shut the hell up. I don't need you to tell me I'm fat, I know. Whenever I look down all I see is fat. sticking so closely to everypart of me, there could be so much potential if only I could melt away the rest. If only.

could i be anymore crazy?

I've been having some really bitchin' mood swings lately. Like at work today I was so freaking depressed I actually had to make an effort to stop myself crying like three times, I'm just an emotional wreck. Then the next I'd be happy and singing and dancing my shift away. There is no other way to survive I guess. But still, not only am I an emotional wreck, but I'm pretty sure we could add emotionally damaged to that list too. I don't have any control anymore, or maybe that's my problem; I have too much control. I have no emotions, I can't feel because I have to care for everyone else which leaves me, well, lets just say imbalanced at best.

It's so hard especially because no one knows, so they all pick on me when I'm looking a little down, which well, just makes me angry. 'Cor, you look miserable' the words that grait on my last nerve. Well, no, I wasn't actually miserable till you mentioned that just sad, but now I'm miserable. Thanks Ass.

I don't honestly now how much longer I can keep this up for. I could never hurt my family that way, and honestly I do love life, I love the uncertainity and adventure, but I guess with that comes pain and sadness. The good with the bad. So I'd never be able to go through with anything that may hurt me really badly. Just sometimes I can't help but think 'what if...' Morbid curiousity I guess they say.

Summary of crap.

So yeah, my day was good. As good as it gets lately anyway. Had to work late which meant skipping dinner time. Oh. Yes. felt amazing. Although while at work I had to fight the whole emotional imbalance making me want to be a complete pig. Good news though guys, I won that time too! Things are looking up a little I guess. Sometimes I want to ask for help, scream that they don't understand, I open my mouth and nothing comes out. Silence.

Daily Quota:

Everyday I go to change my status from 'searching for a little inspiration'. I never can, because at the end of the day I am still always looking for a little inspiration. Whether it is to stop me hunting through the kitchen cupboards, or just so I can smile tomorrow or fall asleep feeling happy, whatever it is, I'm always searching for it. - So I kinda figured I'd share.

Life my lead you to the road you least expected.

But have faith that it is the place you are meant to be.

because it is my life.

Today everyone has been telling me what I should do, how I should act, what I should wear, what university I should go to. And to my biggest annoyance, what I should it. well. fuck you all. It is my life, I am choosing to live it how I want. I will do things my way. If that means losing weight and 'not eating enough' then that's my choice. You can't take that away, it's the beauty of living in the twenty first century. Take you overbearing demands and go back to the prehistoric, you aren't welcome here caveman.

EDIT: I just had to mention this is my favourite band of all time and I MET THESE GODS! EEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKK best day of my life!

another day.

winning.

So today was another 'lets have a girly lunch and catch up'. You know the type that becomes important when you are actually classed as a grown up with a full time job, I remember being at school and everyone saying how they would all be friends forever and definately keep in touch. Bunch of lies for most of them, then you have the few that you actually do find time to see and today was one of those days so I think it would be pretty cruel to cancel. So I went, back to our 'favourite' place, nothing too spectacular just a Nando's. I swear, we are in there so often that every staff member knows our names, address and likely meal. I was being pressured to eat real stodgy food, because after all thats all they serve. But I stayed strong, and maybe was slightly sneaky, I brought a red pepper dip and just let my friend eat it all. No one noticed a thing. Then came my beautiful 38kcal mixed leaf salad. I only ate half. I felt like I was in control again. Made me feel amazing considering everything else in my life was sprialing out for so long. The stupid thing is I still feel disgustingly full. I hate this feeling, I want it all out of me right now, it's not going to happen though, too many people around. fail.

#stupidboys.

why must everything be a competetion? There was a guy I was seeing for a little while. Such a jerk. He told me that he had no time for me but we could occassionally meet up for sex when he felt like it he would give me a call. But then I could tell people we were together if it made me feel better. Needless to say, he made me feel dirty. Then actually doesn't realise what a complete knob he is and acts as if everything is okay even when I stop talking to him. Men! So he strikes up conversation and brings it up again then when I get mad he acts like I'm the crazy one. Got to be kidding me. Think I would learn my lesson but after a few weeks of silence I give in and text him back when he asks me something. He only wanted to know if I had got any university offers and where they were because he has sent his off and hasn't yet. It's so frustrating, why must he compare himself to me all the time? Why does belittling my achievements make him feel better? He actually come out and told me I didn't deserve the grades I got last year (5 straight A's for AS none of which were general studies or one like it). He has no freaking clue what my life is like, what kind of stuff I have to deal with, he is ridiculously sheltered but just not a very smart cookie. Sure he tries hard, but then staying home everynight doesn't mean you deserve to do better than me. It just means that you deserve to get the best possible mark that you can achieve. Leave me alone, I earnt mine, you may not realise it but I did, stop trying to take that away.

On the subjects of stupid guys. I am so very tempted to email my ex. It has been a while and I just miss him. I couldn't admit it before, but I do. As much as I try to pretend that I don't, I really want to speak to him, even if it is just as friends. He was my best friend and I regret so much that I was too weak to be able to let him move on as that. It was a sticky situation and he broke my heart, it still is broken. Please, I need some help. I need someone to stop me because I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to be able to do this. I'm pretty sure he hates me anyway, I wouldn't blame him after what I last said to him. another fail.

excited.

my tickets for clothes show came today. another month and I'll be in birmingham loving life watching the most amazing show ever do some serious shopping. I. CANNOT. WAIT. it will be a beautiful escape. I am determined to be atleast closer to my GW then. I have no choice, I can't be that fat girl anymore and the prospect of being surrounded by a ridiculous amount of tall, beautiful, graceful, thin girls is more than enough encouragement.

goodnight fellow bloggers, i hope your days were all amazing.

suffering the consequences.

After my epic fail last night I feel so gross. I want to fast but I know that isn't going to work. Work is so hectic and i'm training new people and tonight i'm spending more time with my friends. I know I can get away with not eating this time. But just incase there is no point setting myself up for more suffering.

Since I do get to spend so much time at work I can get away with my apple and fat free yoghurt. That means I'm under 100 still. I can live with that. Tomorrow will be the tough one. I'm home with my parents all day.

encouragement.

This morning my dad was picking on me about breakfast. 'look at how much is there!' I wasn't even eating it! It wasn't mine! Thanks Dad for always picking on me about food, for the nickname that started this whole sprial and then for not understanding. I'll just take your snipey comments as encouragement.

it's never enough

So today was meant to be a haven. I had no college which suited me fine. I haven't been able to deal with it properly since we found out about my uncle. I have too much stuff going on in my head and well I can't deal with it so slowly I'm compartmentalising, it's a slow progress. I don't think it will ever be over.  I had a meeting with my tutor for like 15 minutes to dicuss my progress. I was actually feeling pretty good considering I had straight A's and had actually turned up this year. But that still wasn't good enough, he picked up on the fact that I had missed a lesson of psychology. One lesson. Seriously dude, if you met me last year you would have already ripped out what little hair you have left. This is amazing for me, my attendance has never in my life been this good.

I also took the opportunity to tell him about the offer from one of my university choices. I was so excited when I got it, they didn't even want to interview me, they just gave me a place. I was actually wanted! But he took that away too. He was just like well it isn't like you have heard from Cambridge yet. (My first univerisity choice - this offer was from my second!) Thanks. It doesn't seem like an achievement anymore, no longer special. Just another failure.

It was my golden opportunity to tell him why I have lost concerntration and why I was getting flakey again. The indecision has been plaguing me for a little while - there were forms we had to fill in prior to this meeting. 'Is there anything you feel you need to share with your tutor?' I circled yes and scribbled it out like 4 times. So when he asked I just said no and went on my way.

On the plus side! I havn't had anything to eat today. Which makes me feel amazing because I have been having such a hard time lately, trying to please everyone. Today I gave up, today I'm pleasing myself again. It feels good. Hopefully the hate will slide off with each and every pound. Right now I'm too scared to even look at the scales. Soon, i'll be brave. Soon, I'll love watching that number shrink. But for now, it is too high. When my will starts to break a little I'll bring them out and disgust myself some more. Motivation is always good and there is nothing more motivating that looking at your own fat ass.

I'm actually a little proud of myself, I went to college so early this morning that my Dad took me, he and my mum were both home for half the day and decided to 'treat' themselves with a Mcdonalds breakfast. I love pancakes. I love saying no to pancakes more. I said no to the pancakes. It feels amazing. 

I thought making myself miserable for everyone would help them. I now realise that doing this for myself has made me stronger again. I can push away those nasty feelings and concerntrate soley on others needs now without that voice in the back of my head telling me i'm ugly and fat and disgusting. My control gives me strength to lean on to be strong for everyone else. I really needed to find that today. 

Stay strong beautiful people, smile, life is worth living.

a quick update.

Half Term:

So I'm still at college, I'm in my last year, hopefully next year I'll be going to univeristy. I say hopefully, I am just waiting for the rejection letters that will undoubtably be coming my way. So anyway, this half term I wanted to really make progress, I've been stuck with all this recovery weight and it's making me hate myself. But life wouldn't be that nice. Instead I'm stuck eating trying to make everyone else happy falling further into that hole of self loathing. Isn't life grand? I had to work everyday at a job with managers I hate, where there is constant drama the whole time, it gets a little tedious considering I'm like the youngest person there and I'm not involved in any of it; come on guys grow up a little.

Oh but did I mention one of my managers hates me passionately at the moment because I don't actually think it's cool for him to hit on me and make all kinds of suggestive comments. He bascially told me the only reason I got an interview in the first place was because he thought I was 'pretty'. Maybe it's because I'm shallow, but he creeps me out, a fat balding 30 something man trapped me in a room alone with him and then invaded my personal space a little.  Not cool!

I work around junk all the time too, maybe college is the best place for me to have control again, because if I don't have money I can't buy, it is as simple as that - I can't use my card because we have no card machines. It's perfect!


Friday - a little early halloween celebration.

So I managed to scrap a weekend off. My first in around two years. So a few of the nice work friends I do have invited me out. We spent our halloween dressed up in a gay club. It was freaking awesome! I was a cavegirl, I made a pretty cool prehistoritic character if I do say so myself. Although I spent most of the night completely wasted I can't actually remember it, the beauty of not eating, cheap night out! Being so drunk with nothing inside me made me sick anyway which was even better, goodbye empty calories. Short story is - I was so wasted I passed out on my sofa when I got home still fully dressed, I couldn't even make it up the stairs. I'd say that contributes to a pretty good night out - not to mention a well deserved hang over.

Britain & Ireland's Next Top Model Live.

Day 2 of my amazing weekend was spent at the excel centre in london, BNTM live was so good. I have to say, travelling by train with a hangover, not the smartest move I ever made. All I can say is thank god for portable tooth brushes, train bathrooms and chewing gum. Another perfect excuse not to eat for that day. It felt amazing. Spending the day surrounded by tall, thin and beautiful girls - not the best idea I ever had. My average 5ft 4 self was a little over shadowed, but hey, I'm used to that so it means nothing. I went with my brothers girlfriend, she is more like the sister I don't have I'm so glad for that too. She loved it so much that we just booked our tickets for The Clothes Show Live in December. Hello George Lamb is all I can say. - Oh, Charlie Speed could not be more gorgeous in real life, even better than the pictures!

Standard Evening Out.

To finish my trio of amazing days out I spent my sunday night with my best friends. We ofcourse had to eat, thats their thing. It kills me, but I think it would kill me a little more to not be able to be with them. They are the best friends I could have ever asked for, and being part of an all girl group of 7 for the best part of school, I can really appreciate that.  I also got to see Paranormal Activity 3 - pretty much a waste of time. But everyone else seemed to love it, maybe I'm just a sucker for the old thrillers that all these new ones lose their magic. I don't know. It's all good. An amazing end to an amazing weekend.

Hello Reality.

And yesterday I went back to college. I was only there for one lesson, I couldn't face how much I loathed myself. Especially because every girl at my college is amazing looking, it just isn't fair. They are all so perfect. I wish I could be as small as they are. So I hid out at home and worked in the evening, I'm a little sad, I love seeing all the kids dressed up at Halloween, they are all so adorable.