it's never enough

So today was meant to be a haven. I had no college which suited me fine. I haven't been able to deal with it properly since we found out about my uncle. I have too much stuff going on in my head and well I can't deal with it so slowly I'm compartmentalising, it's a slow progress. I don't think it will ever be over.  I had a meeting with my tutor for like 15 minutes to dicuss my progress. I was actually feeling pretty good considering I had straight A's and had actually turned up this year. But that still wasn't good enough, he picked up on the fact that I had missed a lesson of psychology. One lesson. Seriously dude, if you met me last year you would have already ripped out what little hair you have left. This is amazing for me, my attendance has never in my life been this good.

I also took the opportunity to tell him about the offer from one of my university choices. I was so excited when I got it, they didn't even want to interview me, they just gave me a place. I was actually wanted! But he took that away too. He was just like well it isn't like you have heard from Cambridge yet. (My first univerisity choice - this offer was from my second!) Thanks. It doesn't seem like an achievement anymore, no longer special. Just another failure.

It was my golden opportunity to tell him why I have lost concerntration and why I was getting flakey again. The indecision has been plaguing me for a little while - there were forms we had to fill in prior to this meeting. 'Is there anything you feel you need to share with your tutor?' I circled yes and scribbled it out like 4 times. So when he asked I just said no and went on my way.

On the plus side! I havn't had anything to eat today. Which makes me feel amazing because I have been having such a hard time lately, trying to please everyone. Today I gave up, today I'm pleasing myself again. It feels good. Hopefully the hate will slide off with each and every pound. Right now I'm too scared to even look at the scales. Soon, i'll be brave. Soon, I'll love watching that number shrink. But for now, it is too high. When my will starts to break a little I'll bring them out and disgust myself some more. Motivation is always good and there is nothing more motivating that looking at your own fat ass.

I'm actually a little proud of myself, I went to college so early this morning that my Dad took me, he and my mum were both home for half the day and decided to 'treat' themselves with a Mcdonalds breakfast. I love pancakes. I love saying no to pancakes more. I said no to the pancakes. It feels amazing. 

I thought making myself miserable for everyone would help them. I now realise that doing this for myself has made me stronger again. I can push away those nasty feelings and concerntrate soley on others needs now without that voice in the back of my head telling me i'm ugly and fat and disgusting. My control gives me strength to lean on to be strong for everyone else. I really needed to find that today. 

Stay strong beautiful people, smile, life is worth living.