and it's getting easier.

So last night I avoided everything, and then my mum got another phone call. Some stressful stuff different day. I went downstairs when I heard her voice. I ended up eating a bag of crisps and half a tub of pringles. Sickening I know. I wasn't even hungry. I didn't want them. I just needed something, and I find crisps are like agressive foods. There is something statisfying about that 'crunch' that helps. Maybe because it's the sound of something breaking, I don't know.

today's triump.

I went to sleep feeling disgusting. Thinking that I would be heavier this morning. Everytime I eat anything I'm terrified that I'll gain. I fasted today and it felt amazing. I didn't get hungry, I got home from college and just thought 'oh yeah, haven't had anything yet'. It felt good. I don't need food. It doesn't control me. I guess on some level I know I should feel bad about the elation I feel about being so happy and finding it so easy to go without food. But then the rest of me says, do you know what, I don't care, it's worth it. I feel good when I'm empty and hey, atleast I make one cheap date with no food and the smallest amount of alochol I'm absolutely wasted, a technique I plan to use again this weekend. I think my mum may think I have drinking issues soon, I just can't deal with those empty calories so they have to come out. It is as simple as that. Yet that really isn't simple is it? Thinking about it, that is something people have alot of difficulty with. I am drinking and drinking enough so I know I'll puke. Normal people don't do that right?

the story.

So for my english coursework I have to write a piece on finding your identity, it's a fictional piece so I thought fuck it, and I'm writing about us. I'm too fat for anyone to actually consider that I may have a problem so it's cool, the secret remains safe. I just, I guess I want to stand up for us, no one really understands. They all have these stupid ideas about what and who we should be and that just doesn't fly with me. I guess I just want to give us a voice, even if it just makes the select few that get a chance think about their actions then that will be enough for me.



i couldn't have said it better myself.

 I handed it to my teacher to read, she wants me to change the ending, change the voice. I like the ending, i have just left her in the middle of her struggle, still striving to be someone but with a greater hold on who she is and what she wants. My teacher wants me to change it so she is recovered. I don't want to write that. It doesn't just end, it isn't happily ever after that isn't real. Then her voice, she wants me to make her more whiney and self centered and obsessive and mean. That is something I refuse to do. She is a representation of all the amazing people I met on PT. None of them are even like that, why should I conform? I want to write the truth, make her real not what you think is true. So no, I'll take whatever grade you give me and just leave it there.

I have to write a report on the same subject, I'm not really too sure where I want to go with that yet. I'm thinking something along the lines of pressure to be perfect or disproving the sterotype kind of things. With that I think I could show how places like PT don't promote they just support and how much that support means to alot of people. Yeah, so if you wouldn't mind leaving me a comment on what PT means to you that would be great since all of this has to be completely real .

a lesson learnt.

my friend told me today that she realised the saddest people in the world were the ones that smile and laugh the most. That's because laughing is not only the best medicine but also the best disguise. I have to say I agree with her. We all appear so normal, yet noone really knows what boiling just below the surface. It's a dangerous game to play when you comment on how miserable someone is looking. I know, when I let my mask slip and someone tells me it's so hard not to go a little crazy and let the cracks show. The only way I know to get through a day is to smile through it, sing through it and act like a fool. Making someone else laugh is so worth it.