fat day.

So today I woke up feeling okay. I've been back on the losing track so this made me feel good. But then it came to getting ready. I felt like a cow in everything. I looked disgusting. Flab covered everything, I made myself feel sick. I hate looking at myself in the mirror. I can't stand the sight off my beautiful beautiful bones drowning in fat. I changed my outfit twelve times this morning, I only stopped because I ran out of time. Nothing looks good. I don't look good. It isn't good.

scared.

interviews for cambridge are coming through. mine should hopefully be here in the next few days. i am bracing myself for rejection. after all, who would want me?

slip in control

My uncle came for a visit today. He looks a little worse. I'm so stressed out. My family are in so much pain and it's so hard not to be able to help. Sometimes just being there isn't actually enough. I wish there was more, I wish there was something. I just can't. Today I finally started to let my emotions in, I almost completely broke down in two out of the three lessons I had. Oh the joys. So yeah, that wall is safely back up. Back to thinking about others. It's safer that way, maybe a little better for my sanity too.

I'm so tempted to binge. God for the last hour I've been fighting it. It's this uncontrollable urge. I just want the emotional rollercoaster to stop. I want to get off. It isn't fun. I want to fill that space and food seems like the best bet. I'm so tempted. I've jus been called downstairs. I'm so scared that if I go i'll lose all control. Oh my god. I need it to go away.

please. please. please. please. please. give me the strength to say no, to stop, to not even start. please, i can't be fat anymore. i can't feel anymore. it's hurts too much.

today:

learn as if you were going to live forever. live as if you were going to die tomorrow.

only those that dare to fail greatly achieve greatly.