urgh!

currently hating my fat ass  and my slobbish life. Explaining will come later, just going to kill myself.
By that I mean go out for ANOTHER dinner. fuck my friends. love them, but right now I couldn't hate them more. I couldn't hate myself more. Just my self esteem and the effort I put in to see my pretty bones will be getting murdered tonight.

Fake a smile. Live to starve another day. I wish I could say tomorrow will be better. It won't. My friend wants to celebrate her birthday with indian food. INDIAN FOOD! pretty glad I broke my no purging streak when I got made to eat the other day. I'm going to fucking town. especially tomorrow.

Get through this weekend and I think I've earned another 5 day fast. Maybe I'll just never eat again. I hope so. I can't live with myself anymore.

says alot for alot of us.

plus they are hot which never hurts anyone haha.

Oh by the way - 2 days successful fasting and going strong. Fuck. Yes.

dreams

dreams are for fools. It's so hard. I put on 0.8lbs. I'm no longer 0.2lbs away from the next lower number. I feel disgusting. The only way I know how to fix this is to stop eating. But then I know if I do that as soon as something passes my lips I'll gain insane amounts again. Its one fucked up vicious circle.

the dream.

I dream of the day when my self worth isn't hinged on what the scales tell me in the morning. I want to not have to get up extra early just because I know I'm going to change my outfit 12 times just because I look fat.

I dream of the day when I can go to the cupboard and eat crisp without feeling guilt gnawing at me. When I can look in the mirror and not hate what I see. When I don't have to criticise myself. When I feel like I'm worth something, that I'm beautiful even if it's in my own way. Who defined what beautiful was anyway?

When I eat because I'm hungry and eat what the hell I want just because I feel like it. When I'm not scared. I miss enjoying food. I don't even know when I'm hungry or full because nothing feels good inside.

I want to be a whole person again. To not look at myself in pieces and see everything that could be changed. I want to look in the mirror and see the whole thing to see a girl that is worth something and is beautiful and above all else happy. Sure she may not have a gap between her thighs or have a waist that can be spanned with hands but she is confident and excited and alive, that would be worth so much more.

If only.

creepy coincidence.

So as I was posting my last blog, this song came onto my ipod shuffle.

To my ex, get the fuck out of my head. you don't belong there anymore. this song explains a little better. Damn you.

now Matt Cardle, if you got into my bed, I'm sure I would not be having this problem.

Care to do a girl a favour?

inspiration.

So I'm starting to write my coursework. I've been searching for ideas for so freaking long that my brain is frazzled. I love writing, I wish I was good enough to be an actual writer. But no one would read my stuff, it would be too depressing, philosophical hypocritical shit. I think I'm yoda or something.

So yeah, I love writing, the only frustrating thing is I only write really good stuff when I'm miserable. Maybe it's that whole tortured artist thing, I don't know. All I know is I'm searching for inspiration and then BAM. It hits me in the face. I know what I want my article to be, I just hope I can do it justice. I want it to mean something not be the same sterotypical stuff that everyone expects. Maybe I'll share after, wouldn't want to do that before, knowing my luck if I did it would be called to be moderated and then hello, what is this? The exact same thing on the internet. That really wouldn't look good, especially if I had to sign into my blog to prove it was mine. I think the more pressing issue then would be 'okay lets throw you in therapy!'

Think I'll pass on that. Better to be safe than sorry right!

Anyway, I'd just like to say a big thankyou to all the PT guys that are helping me. I really wouldn't be able to do this without your help.


and the rest.

I fasted for 24hours. Brilliant. Then I get made to eat soup 178 kcals. I can deal. But then my mum starts reading another piece of work I've done. Talk about stressful! I get nervous when anyone reads my stuff. So there were pringle on the arm chair. I opened them and ate the rest of the pack. FBERBG EIUBV EIBV THE FUCK!! What is wrong with me! ?  like casually just opened them up and started munching. CMDSBFQIVBFVHCBAEIDNCNFBGVIA\BGVACN AI. I need to be shot. Right now. What a fucking idiot! I'm finally back down, well on my way to my goals and I do stupid fucked up shit like that. ERGH.

Maybe I'm an all or nothing girl? Like I find it harder to eat small and often than to just not eat at all. Makes me angry sometimes. Tomrrow I'm going to stick below 500. On wednesday I get to fast again. ooot ooot, glad work is good for something and then I'll think of something else how to spend the rest of my week. We will see how much damage this has done tomorrow. What makes it worse is it was after 7pm too. It was 9. Like, have I lost my freaking mind?!

Yeah, rant over. Crazy, stupid person out.

love sucks.

so maybe my rant wasn't completely over. I just, I don't know. I'm still crazy thinking about my ex. Like I know it's over, I'm not stupid. I just miss him sometimes. He was my best friend and I miss that. Lately I can't stop thinking about him. Maybe because I know I shouldn't, but I can't help it. We had so much time together that there is so much stuff that I can't do without thinking of him. Ergh. frustrating.

So yeah think I'm good now. baby rant over. Crazy, stupid, love sick, fool out.

dirty hangover.

Last night was my friends 18th birthday. I went to her party and ended up totally wasted. Again. This is like the third week running. I never mean to and I don't actually drink that much. Just because if I know I'm drinking then I wont eat, toooo many added calories. So I get totally wasted really fast. It's beautiful really.


Once I start I always want to push myself that little bit further over the edge. I want to know without a doubt that I will be able to be sick. I need it all out and hey, if I'm completely out of it then I have an excuse right?


I hate feeling drunk tho. Passionately hate it. I think from now on I'm not going to drink. Special occassions, like really occasionally. Will be easier to lose weight too, because then I wont have to deal with the hangover munchies either. Today I had around 1200 calories. Its far too fucking high. I feel so digusting right now. I'm hoping tomorrow that if I fast then my body is going to go crazy and lose so much more. I hope so anyway.


goal weight.


I'm close. close enough that I can actually feel it. I figured out that if I steadily lose 0.8lbs every two days I'll be at my goal weight by january. Which would be perfect because that's my brithday, what better way to celebrate achievement than a party? I'm dreaming of some sort of liberation when that day gets here. But then, that never works because I always change my goal weights. Maybe I'm just never going to stop. I'll stop when I'm happy.


let a secret slip.


Last night I was at the party with my friend. She is also a little crazy when it comes to weight. I think I let slip about my obsession. Just a little. I'm not sure, she hasn't said anything, I'm hoping she doesn't catch on. But then it would be amazing to have someone to talk to about it. I couldn't stand the looks or the embarrassment. I'd be completely humilated. It's such a shame because this isn't something to be ashamed of, I can't help it. But then we're all twisted into ideals by all media types that  I feel ashamed. Sucks.

fuck.

I got away with not eating yesterday. I wanted to vary my intake, keep my metabolism crazy confused, I was doing so well:

1 wetabix - 64 kcals.
1 cup steamed veg - 45 kcals
50g mushrooms - 7kcals
2 egg whites - 130 kcals

I was planning something healthy and small for dinner. My parents have other ideas. I got away with not eating yesterday because I told them I wasn't feeling well. Today - they are making me eat chinese food.

I actually want to cry. I can't eat that crap. I know it's going to make me fat again in the morning. Ergh, just when everything was looking up. I can't even get it out because it's spicy and it burns like one mother fucker. I tried before.

Door bell just went.

Just kill me now. Hell is here.